Yesterday was a prime example of fibrofog at its best.
I woke up a bit early, figured I would even get into work early, however, my body would not cooperate. Somehow I ended up being late - walking in the door right as the anthem and prayers start the school day. Caught in the vestibule by my VP while my students wait anxiously outside my classroom.
I realized while I was driving to work that I had forgotten my cell phone and wouldn't be able to call the school to let them know I would be late. I also forgot my purse, so was driving without license or money etc. etc.
When lunch rolled around, I completely forgot that it was Monday and that I had supervision.
Where was my head? It would seem not attached to my body..... whoa, what a ridiculous fibro fog day!
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Miles away Sandy's force still powerful
I know I am lucky not to have been in one of the areas hard hit by Sandy .... however, even here miles away in Southwestern Ontario I am feeling her wrath. (Though I am praying for those in those areas.)
Last night, my power was out. Partially to do with the winds, partially an accident in our area.... regardless, my heat is electric and it got pretty chilly. Even bundled up in layers of warm clothing and piles of blankets, I was still cold and so my muscles went into spasm. Once that starts, it doesn't seem to stop. The pain spreads and spreads.
Somehow, I actually fell asleep early because of the darkness, but in spite of the extra sleep, I feel even worse for the wear this morning. Fibro body = human barometer. Everything aches and hurts and moans. My head feels foggy, my body ravaged .... Sandy take your pressure away. Fall is hard enough as it is with the temperature and seasonal changes, but an epic storm just brings that much more ache and misery to one with chronic pain!
Last night, my power was out. Partially to do with the winds, partially an accident in our area.... regardless, my heat is electric and it got pretty chilly. Even bundled up in layers of warm clothing and piles of blankets, I was still cold and so my muscles went into spasm. Once that starts, it doesn't seem to stop. The pain spreads and spreads.
Somehow, I actually fell asleep early because of the darkness, but in spite of the extra sleep, I feel even worse for the wear this morning. Fibro body = human barometer. Everything aches and hurts and moans. My head feels foggy, my body ravaged .... Sandy take your pressure away. Fall is hard enough as it is with the temperature and seasonal changes, but an epic storm just brings that much more ache and misery to one with chronic pain!
Thursday 25 October 2012
exhaustion = crabby
I knew from the moment my alarm woke me this morning that my day was off to a bad start. Not enough sleep and severe pain were destined to lead to exhaustion, more pain and lower tolerance.
It is difficult to do my job when I am this tired and this burdened with agony. My patience is easily tested. My think-then-respond time is reduced. My BS meter is instantly set off.
Teenagers are a real test on a day like this! It's as if I'm walking on eggshells, or tiptoeing through a minefield of bombs which could go off at any second. Teenagers can be temperamental. That is an understatement. So can people with fibro! (Sometimes, I wonder if my students think I have month long PMS!!!!?!?!?)
So many factors came together to put me in this state today. It's October, the weather is changing, I am just getting over the flu, I am in a bad sleep cycle, I have too much stress.... add all that and the fibro outlook is pretty predictable - pain leads to less sleep, less sleep leads to more pain, more pain leads to tested emotions and around again and again.
I heard my alarm this morning but I ignored it. My body just would not cooperate. I could not move. I could not function. My husband exasperated by his lack of sleep after an afternoon shift, got up and turned off the annoying and incessant beeping of my cell phone alarm (which I had forgotten in my purse by the front door). The sound was too annoying to just block it out. Yet block it out I did.... my body spoke louder than my mind, and we decided we just could not answer the alarm's call.
Twenty minutes later, when my brain and body were finally communicating, my body slowly began to respond to the instructions to get out of bed. The sharp pains in my shoulders, the throbbing in my head, the ringing in my ears, the daggers in my legs they discouraged it - but get up I did! One slow, painful step at a time, I got myself out of bed and got my day started.
Usually, within a couple of hours of waking the stiffness, pain and fog recede a bit thanks in part to my medications and the adjustment over time. Today, it only worsened. Truly, it was a day to have stayed in bed.
When confronted with attitude laden, authority challenging teenagers .... I just couldn't take it anymore. Of course I maintained my professionalism, pulled the students aside for one-on-one discussions about the inappropriate nature of their behaviour and yet.... the moment the last one walked out the door, when the clank of the auditorium door echoed through the theatre, I blew my top. Ranting and raving about dealing with assholes .... it was the first step in getting that negativity out of body. A truly necessary step or the negativity would build into more pain and agony... my body would physicalize it. Deep breathing. Ranting aloud to colleagues ... letting go of that build up of pain, frustration and despair.
A necessary step, as tomorrow, I will have to step right back into that hotbed of disrespect and go through it all again.
It is difficult to do my job when I am this tired and this burdened with agony. My patience is easily tested. My think-then-respond time is reduced. My BS meter is instantly set off.
Teenagers are a real test on a day like this! It's as if I'm walking on eggshells, or tiptoeing through a minefield of bombs which could go off at any second. Teenagers can be temperamental. That is an understatement. So can people with fibro! (Sometimes, I wonder if my students think I have month long PMS!!!!?!?!?)
So many factors came together to put me in this state today. It's October, the weather is changing, I am just getting over the flu, I am in a bad sleep cycle, I have too much stress.... add all that and the fibro outlook is pretty predictable - pain leads to less sleep, less sleep leads to more pain, more pain leads to tested emotions and around again and again.
I heard my alarm this morning but I ignored it. My body just would not cooperate. I could not move. I could not function. My husband exasperated by his lack of sleep after an afternoon shift, got up and turned off the annoying and incessant beeping of my cell phone alarm (which I had forgotten in my purse by the front door). The sound was too annoying to just block it out. Yet block it out I did.... my body spoke louder than my mind, and we decided we just could not answer the alarm's call.
Twenty minutes later, when my brain and body were finally communicating, my body slowly began to respond to the instructions to get out of bed. The sharp pains in my shoulders, the throbbing in my head, the ringing in my ears, the daggers in my legs they discouraged it - but get up I did! One slow, painful step at a time, I got myself out of bed and got my day started.
Usually, within a couple of hours of waking the stiffness, pain and fog recede a bit thanks in part to my medications and the adjustment over time. Today, it only worsened. Truly, it was a day to have stayed in bed.
When confronted with attitude laden, authority challenging teenagers .... I just couldn't take it anymore. Of course I maintained my professionalism, pulled the students aside for one-on-one discussions about the inappropriate nature of their behaviour and yet.... the moment the last one walked out the door, when the clank of the auditorium door echoed through the theatre, I blew my top. Ranting and raving about dealing with assholes .... it was the first step in getting that negativity out of body. A truly necessary step or the negativity would build into more pain and agony... my body would physicalize it. Deep breathing. Ranting aloud to colleagues ... letting go of that build up of pain, frustration and despair.
A necessary step, as tomorrow, I will have to step right back into that hotbed of disrespect and go through it all again.
Open letter to all the ***hole teenagers out there
Dear assholes:
I am a teacher because I enjoy working with teenagers, inspiring them with knowledge and sharing my expertise with them. I love what I teach - drama! Though I joke about all the drama in my class that is not meant for the stage, I do have my limits. Today those limits were reached.
I have a passion for my subject. I love to teach facial expression, body language, proper breathing, articulation exercises, scene study, character creation etc. It is especially rewarding when the students I am teaching show equal enthuasiasm for those subjects. I am not naive, I know I can't have classes filled with all drama keeners, all the time. I know my subject is one of the arts required to receive the OSSD. I realize not everyone shares my passion for the arts. I get that.
What I don't get is the attitude!
As a student, I recognized the importance of rules, I welcomed the structure, I respected the system. Not to say I didn't try to buck the system every once in a while, but in general, I would say I was a respectful, well-behaved secondary school student. I knew I was going to university, perhaps that charged my motivation and impacted my behaviour. I was the child of two educated parents, which of course impacted my views on education. I was a nice person, who wanted people to treat me the way I treated them.
I know that students like that still exist ... but they seem to be the exception more than the rule these days.
My parents taught me to respect their authority and the position of other adults in authority. My parents would consequence or punish me accordingly if my teachers called them and told them that I wasn't behaving as I should.
Where have parents like that gone? Again, they exist... but they seem to be few and far between.
The daily disrespect that I am shown comes from teens who get away with that same behaviour at home. They aren't taught that the way they speak to others matters, that rules are there for a reason or that if you want respect you need to give respect. They live in a world that is all about them - no one else's needs matter. It is all about immediate gratification. If I want to talk, I will. I don't care if my talking interupts the teacher's lesson, or impacts the learning of my peers around me. If you challenge me, I will get my back up and talk back. If I break the rules, so what? No one's going to punish me. I don't respect myself, my parents or my family, so why on earth would I respect you!?!??!
So, I make a call to all teenagers: attitude, a positive one, will get you everywhere in life. A negative one, will only lead to disaster at school, at home and on the job. Make a change - develop a new era of respect.
I am a teacher because I enjoy working with teenagers, inspiring them with knowledge and sharing my expertise with them. I love what I teach - drama! Though I joke about all the drama in my class that is not meant for the stage, I do have my limits. Today those limits were reached.
I have a passion for my subject. I love to teach facial expression, body language, proper breathing, articulation exercises, scene study, character creation etc. It is especially rewarding when the students I am teaching show equal enthuasiasm for those subjects. I am not naive, I know I can't have classes filled with all drama keeners, all the time. I know my subject is one of the arts required to receive the OSSD. I realize not everyone shares my passion for the arts. I get that.
What I don't get is the attitude!
As a student, I recognized the importance of rules, I welcomed the structure, I respected the system. Not to say I didn't try to buck the system every once in a while, but in general, I would say I was a respectful, well-behaved secondary school student. I knew I was going to university, perhaps that charged my motivation and impacted my behaviour. I was the child of two educated parents, which of course impacted my views on education. I was a nice person, who wanted people to treat me the way I treated them.
I know that students like that still exist ... but they seem to be the exception more than the rule these days.
My parents taught me to respect their authority and the position of other adults in authority. My parents would consequence or punish me accordingly if my teachers called them and told them that I wasn't behaving as I should.
Where have parents like that gone? Again, they exist... but they seem to be few and far between.
The daily disrespect that I am shown comes from teens who get away with that same behaviour at home. They aren't taught that the way they speak to others matters, that rules are there for a reason or that if you want respect you need to give respect. They live in a world that is all about them - no one else's needs matter. It is all about immediate gratification. If I want to talk, I will. I don't care if my talking interupts the teacher's lesson, or impacts the learning of my peers around me. If you challenge me, I will get my back up and talk back. If I break the rules, so what? No one's going to punish me. I don't respect myself, my parents or my family, so why on earth would I respect you!?!??!
So, I make a call to all teenagers: attitude, a positive one, will get you everywhere in life. A negative one, will only lead to disaster at school, at home and on the job. Make a change - develop a new era of respect.
Friday 5 October 2012
Working full-time
It has been a long and slow road returning to full-time work. A few years ago my symptoms changed dramatically, shifting more heavily to the exhaustion over the pain. What was pretty typical fibro became more typical of chronic fatigue syndrome. I could barely stay awake during my work day and would sleep every night, all night and all weekend. I was always exhausted and barely functioning. I had to reduce my work schedule to 1/3 time. I stayed at this schedule for two years, then increased to 2/3 for a year and a half and now I'm back full time with a vengeance.
As a teacher, I'm usually re-energized in September having just had the summer off. By the time the weather starts to shift and get colder in October, my exhaustion is once again setting in. I'm once again struggling - I'm napping, falling asleep without meaning to and struggling to get through the day. The mornings are the worst - the pain and stiffness upon waking makes it hard to function. It takes a good hour or more for me to be able to move around somewhat normally. Most mornings I don't have the time to become functional before I have to start teaching.
While my pain and fatigue increases, so too do the voices of the many professionals I've worked with - take care of yourself! I need to focus more on self-care - taking time to breath deeply, to relax, to exercise and to eat properly. These things seem to be the first things to go by the wayside when I'm stressed or busy at work. Of course, they are the things that are essential to keeping the fibro demons at bay.
I look forward to having a long weekend to recharge my batteries and to once again reintroduce the self-care required to help me make it through the year.
As a teacher, I'm usually re-energized in September having just had the summer off. By the time the weather starts to shift and get colder in October, my exhaustion is once again setting in. I'm once again struggling - I'm napping, falling asleep without meaning to and struggling to get through the day. The mornings are the worst - the pain and stiffness upon waking makes it hard to function. It takes a good hour or more for me to be able to move around somewhat normally. Most mornings I don't have the time to become functional before I have to start teaching.
While my pain and fatigue increases, so too do the voices of the many professionals I've worked with - take care of yourself! I need to focus more on self-care - taking time to breath deeply, to relax, to exercise and to eat properly. These things seem to be the first things to go by the wayside when I'm stressed or busy at work. Of course, they are the things that are essential to keeping the fibro demons at bay.
I look forward to having a long weekend to recharge my batteries and to once again reintroduce the self-care required to help me make it through the year.
Thursday 4 October 2012
The pursuit of pain is INSANE!
In the last couple of months, I have noticed an increase in the glorification of the pursuit of pain.
Last month, I attended an assembly with my grade 9 students. It was meant to be a motivational assembly that encouraged grade 9's to get involved with their school and try out new extracurricular pursuits in teams, clubs and the arts. However, the speaker's focus was on his experience with the Spartan Death Race and other similar pain inducing adventure races. While I admire someone who takes on new pursuits in their 40's and who works hard, I can't support someone who deliberately causes their body pain and then glorifies it and encourages it in others. The Spartan Death Race is a three day race that involves no sleep, little food and events which deliberately put the racers into a hypothermic state. INSANE!
Plus there is the gain in popularity of S&M lifestyles as promoted by the 50 Shades of Grey series of books (and many spin offs) promoting the pursuit of pain for sexual pleasure as a good thing. Yet as anyone with fibro or chronic pain can tell you .... we long to feel pleasure rather than pain, and would give anything to replace that daily knawing agony with nothingness. The joy of feeling nothing - how wonderful would that be? Those who think we must experience pain to know we are alive, again, they clearly aren't chronic pain sufferers.
I find it insulting to the chronic pain community that people can trivialize pain in these ways. As someone who suffers from pain everyday and who strives to find ways to relieve that pain, I ask.... why don't these people try walking in my body for a day, maybe then they would find more positive pursuits?!?!
Last month, I attended an assembly with my grade 9 students. It was meant to be a motivational assembly that encouraged grade 9's to get involved with their school and try out new extracurricular pursuits in teams, clubs and the arts. However, the speaker's focus was on his experience with the Spartan Death Race and other similar pain inducing adventure races. While I admire someone who takes on new pursuits in their 40's and who works hard, I can't support someone who deliberately causes their body pain and then glorifies it and encourages it in others. The Spartan Death Race is a three day race that involves no sleep, little food and events which deliberately put the racers into a hypothermic state. INSANE!
Plus there is the gain in popularity of S&M lifestyles as promoted by the 50 Shades of Grey series of books (and many spin offs) promoting the pursuit of pain for sexual pleasure as a good thing. Yet as anyone with fibro or chronic pain can tell you .... we long to feel pleasure rather than pain, and would give anything to replace that daily knawing agony with nothingness. The joy of feeling nothing - how wonderful would that be? Those who think we must experience pain to know we are alive, again, they clearly aren't chronic pain sufferers.
I find it insulting to the chronic pain community that people can trivialize pain in these ways. As someone who suffers from pain everyday and who strives to find ways to relieve that pain, I ask.... why don't these people try walking in my body for a day, maybe then they would find more positive pursuits?!?!
Thursday 9 August 2012
No longer need to register for Manolos
Today I am extra grateful that I have found and married the love of my life. I saw the "I'm marrying myself" Sex and the City episode this afternoon and remembered how sure I was that that would be my fate.For so many years, in my 30's, I was convinced that singlehood was to be my fate. I watched countless friends get married, buy homes, have kids, have more kids and with each happy moment in my friends' lives, I became more despondent about my own fate. I was convinced that that would never be me. I dated inappropriate guys, hoping they would be the one, before finally realizing that I truly was better off alone than with the wrong person. I had finally embraced being single (certainly had fewer Bridget Jones moments) and had learned to like being alone. Though I still liked the idea of love, I became convinced that it was not to be my destiny.
I am very thankful that I was wrong! My fibro sidelined my life - put off my plan to be successfully established in my career, married and with kids by the age of 30. Fibro opened the door to new dreams and a new definition of self. It also opened my heart and life to my husband. So here I am, 61 days shy of turning 40, and I have finally found and married my soul mate. True love really is worth waiting for! So what if it took a few frogs, losers and psychos along the way .... in the end it was all worth it.
Besides if love came along too easily would I have appreciated it as much - or had as many funny dating stories?!?!
Besides if love came along too easily would I have appreciated it as much - or had as many funny dating stories?!?!
Monday 7 May 2012
The weight of the world in a ..... dress!?!?!
My first encounter with fibro and the difficulty of wedding planning occurred during my very first fitting for wedding dresses.
In the past, as an amateur actor, I have worn many a huge dress to represent times past and I loved them all. I know that in my younger, more dramatic years, I dreamed of wearing a wedding dress with hoop skirts, crinolines and the like. A dress with glorious meter after meter of luxurious fabric and embellished to the nines with beaded details. In those pre-fibro days, I wouldn't have given a second thought to the weight of the dress. Much like those gypsy brides, the more layers the better.
Fibro puts newfound restrictions on finding "the one" (the guy too, but that's a story for another day). There are many beautiful ball gown wedding dresses out there, but even if they did suit my figure, they don't suit my muscles. I tried an A-line dress that actually had crinolines and under-layers.... I could barely lift it over my head - the dress must have weighed at least 20 pounds! So obviously the simpler the better.
Trains hadn't even entered my head originally. The reality of yards and yards of fabric pulling on my shoulders all through my wedding day was, silly enough, a problem that hadn't even occurred to me. Now granted with my butt, I really didn't want a big bustle on the back of my dress to emphasize that already ample area, but I hadn't thought about the pain logistics of the train.
So with each dress store I entered, my requirements got more specific. No train, no layers, no ball gown.... The dresses I got shown were too basic. Destination gowns with little detail. So hard to find the dress of my dreams. So in the end I guess I compromised ... but that seems to be the lifelong story of one with fibro.
In the past, as an amateur actor, I have worn many a huge dress to represent times past and I loved them all. I know that in my younger, more dramatic years, I dreamed of wearing a wedding dress with hoop skirts, crinolines and the like. A dress with glorious meter after meter of luxurious fabric and embellished to the nines with beaded details. In those pre-fibro days, I wouldn't have given a second thought to the weight of the dress. Much like those gypsy brides, the more layers the better.
Fibro puts newfound restrictions on finding "the one" (the guy too, but that's a story for another day). There are many beautiful ball gown wedding dresses out there, but even if they did suit my figure, they don't suit my muscles. I tried an A-line dress that actually had crinolines and under-layers.... I could barely lift it over my head - the dress must have weighed at least 20 pounds! So obviously the simpler the better.
Trains hadn't even entered my head originally. The reality of yards and yards of fabric pulling on my shoulders all through my wedding day was, silly enough, a problem that hadn't even occurred to me. Now granted with my butt, I really didn't want a big bustle on the back of my dress to emphasize that already ample area, but I hadn't thought about the pain logistics of the train.
So with each dress store I entered, my requirements got more specific. No train, no layers, no ball gown.... The dresses I got shown were too basic. Destination gowns with little detail. So hard to find the dress of my dreams. So in the end I guess I compromised ... but that seems to be the lifelong story of one with fibro.
Immunity catch-all
I don't know if anyone else with FM or other chronic pain conditions has experienced this, or if there is a medical explanation. (At this point, I haven't found one.)
I understand that when a person or a body is under stress it is more susceptible to infection; however, there seems to be a collapse in my immune system with the onset of my period. Nine times out of ten, when I catch a cold or flu, it coincides with my menstral cycle. Why is that?
Last night, I barely slept at all. I had a very sudden onset of a cold; my coughing would wake me up. Also, choking on my own nasal mucous caused me to sit upright in the dark. Not pleasant at all.
Sometimes I wonder with the fibro immuno supression why I chose to go into teaching. It is hard to stay healthy when you are surrounded by sick students who come to school because their parents won't let them stay home or ailing colleagues who pride themselves on never taking sick days, meanwhile they bring their germs to work for the rest of us to catch. The only work environments that would be worse would be day-care or hospitals.
Some of you might say, whine whine, it's only a cold! With fibro, there is no such thing as "only" a cold, flu etc. Every illness gets amplified by the fibro. The body pain, the interupted or non-restful sleep... it's a viscious cycle already but add to that an illness and everything gets ramped up big time!
Many people liken fibro pain to the weakness and aches caused by flu. That's an understatement! For some though, that is the only comparison that they can possibly understand. With a cold, I get sinus headaches which frequently blossom into migraines, body aches and chills plus all over body pain that is much worse than on a regular, non-sick day.
Sniff, sniff! I just want to go home, crawl under my covers, and sleep until this cold is gone.
I understand that when a person or a body is under stress it is more susceptible to infection; however, there seems to be a collapse in my immune system with the onset of my period. Nine times out of ten, when I catch a cold or flu, it coincides with my menstral cycle. Why is that?
Last night, I barely slept at all. I had a very sudden onset of a cold; my coughing would wake me up. Also, choking on my own nasal mucous caused me to sit upright in the dark. Not pleasant at all.
Sometimes I wonder with the fibro immuno supression why I chose to go into teaching. It is hard to stay healthy when you are surrounded by sick students who come to school because their parents won't let them stay home or ailing colleagues who pride themselves on never taking sick days, meanwhile they bring their germs to work for the rest of us to catch. The only work environments that would be worse would be day-care or hospitals.
Some of you might say, whine whine, it's only a cold! With fibro, there is no such thing as "only" a cold, flu etc. Every illness gets amplified by the fibro. The body pain, the interupted or non-restful sleep... it's a viscious cycle already but add to that an illness and everything gets ramped up big time!
Many people liken fibro pain to the weakness and aches caused by flu. That's an understatement! For some though, that is the only comparison that they can possibly understand. With a cold, I get sinus headaches which frequently blossom into migraines, body aches and chills plus all over body pain that is much worse than on a regular, non-sick day.
Sniff, sniff! I just want to go home, crawl under my covers, and sleep until this cold is gone.
Friday 4 May 2012
More wedding flower issues
I met with another florist the other day.... she made a good point that I hadn't even thought of - a cascade bouquet needs to be carried fairly low. This means that my arms would be fully extended. So, not only would the overall weight and the pull towards the front be issues, so too would the position of the bouquet. In addition to the pain that this would cause, having my arms fully extended and locked in this position for a considerable amount of time would result in extreme pain or discomfort. Fibro does not deal well with static, long-held positions, especially not ones where limbs are extended away from the body.
So this resulted in yet another compromise for the wedding.... a hand-tied bouquet.
The comfort though is knowing that my pain will be lessened and the flowers will still be beautiful, even if they aren't in the form I originally envisioned.
So this resulted in yet another compromise for the wedding.... a hand-tied bouquet.
The comfort though is knowing that my pain will be lessened and the flowers will still be beautiful, even if they aren't in the form I originally envisioned.
Wednesday 2 May 2012
Human barometer
Chronic pain = human barometer.
It's funny how before the FM, weather merely meant an inconvenience to my day or an opportunity to get out and be active. Now, the weather shifts and so does my entire body.
The last few days have been brutal! Saturday evening, Sunday and finally culminating on Monday, my head, limbs, back, neck, shoulders, face, ears, feet and even my toes felt the impact of Mother Nature's inconsistency. In spite of this all-over pain, it was the head pain that really incapacitated me. It's always the head that is the worst. Honestly, I could handle the other pain, but it is really hard to think, speak and function when your head feels like a giant alien creature is trying to make it's way out from behind the eyes, through the neck and out the ears.
Head pain cripples thought and impacts speech. As an educated, fairly intelligent individual, I pride myself on speaking articulately and writing comprehensively. It was truly quite embarrassing when I found myself misspelling prove (I spelt it proove), not once, but twice, on a note for my students to copy down. Worse still, when a student challenged me on it in a very disrespectful manner, the pain made it difficult for me to "bite my tongue" and not lose my temper.
Previous pain fog occurrences have been equally embarrassing, as well as challenging to my authority and credibility as a teacher. Forgetting student's names. Names that I had known for months. Unable to locate commonly used vocabulary in the deep, traumatised centres of my brain. Yet, I am supposed to be the educated one?!?!?
The weather of the past couple of years has really made having chronic pain a challenge. Steadfastness of pressure and precipitation ensures some stability in the levels of pain. Changes from one day to the next, from one extreme to the other - this is Mother Nature's way of kicking us all when we are already down, making it much harder to get back up again.
Rain, rain go away.... don't come back again any day!
It's funny how before the FM, weather merely meant an inconvenience to my day or an opportunity to get out and be active. Now, the weather shifts and so does my entire body.
The last few days have been brutal! Saturday evening, Sunday and finally culminating on Monday, my head, limbs, back, neck, shoulders, face, ears, feet and even my toes felt the impact of Mother Nature's inconsistency. In spite of this all-over pain, it was the head pain that really incapacitated me. It's always the head that is the worst. Honestly, I could handle the other pain, but it is really hard to think, speak and function when your head feels like a giant alien creature is trying to make it's way out from behind the eyes, through the neck and out the ears.
Head pain cripples thought and impacts speech. As an educated, fairly intelligent individual, I pride myself on speaking articulately and writing comprehensively. It was truly quite embarrassing when I found myself misspelling prove (I spelt it proove), not once, but twice, on a note for my students to copy down. Worse still, when a student challenged me on it in a very disrespectful manner, the pain made it difficult for me to "bite my tongue" and not lose my temper.
Previous pain fog occurrences have been equally embarrassing, as well as challenging to my authority and credibility as a teacher. Forgetting student's names. Names that I had known for months. Unable to locate commonly used vocabulary in the deep, traumatised centres of my brain. Yet, I am supposed to be the educated one?!?!?
The weather of the past couple of years has really made having chronic pain a challenge. Steadfastness of pressure and precipitation ensures some stability in the levels of pain. Changes from one day to the next, from one extreme to the other - this is Mother Nature's way of kicking us all when we are already down, making it much harder to get back up again.
Rain, rain go away.... don't come back again any day!
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Missing the energetic me
A couple of weeks ago, my fiance made a comment to me that really hit home: "I miss the energetic you."
I was shocked. How could he miss the energetic me? He's never known the energetic me! I have been battling FM for about fourteen years now. I've only known him for three.
Part of me fell into that sad self contemplation that illnesses, tragic life circumstances and conditions like fibro can bring on. I began to remember the pre-fibro me - that early 20's girl who was carefree, energetic and ready to take on the world. I wouldn't recognise that girl if you put her in a police line up or projected an over sized picture of her right in front of my face. She was a lifetime ago; another me, someone else entirely. I wished that my fiance could have known me then and I wondered, would he have liked her?
I have to give credit to the fibro for one thing: self knowledge. As many of you know, living with a chronic pain condition allows one many opportunities to learn about one's own self: our strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes and priorities. Ultimately it forces us to ask ourselves - what is important to me? What do I want to spend my limited energy on?
In the end, I am grateful that my fiance didn't know me then. I sometimes feel awkward around people from the pre-fibro part of my life. I feel as if they are judging me, wondering why I have changed so much, wishing I was the person I used to be. It's hard to have that pressure and to think that way about the important people in your life. I don't want a husband who yearns for someone who no longer exists. I want and need him to love the me that I am today, tomorrow and for the rest of our lives - not to long for the person I was for only a blip during my lifetime.
When we met, I was attending a month long, in-hospital programme for fibromyalgia at St. Joseph's Health Care in London, Ontario. The program taught me to manage my energy, to listen to my body and to accept my condition. It was a revelation! I was attending that program because the exhaustion from the fibro had forced me to reduce my working hours from full-time to 1/3 time. I was struggling to manage my day to day life. The so-called "energetic" me that he first became acquainted with used a lot of her energy to put on the "I'm normal - not in pain, can do whatever you can do" face. Granted, I was also on leave from work and only focusing on my physical recovery. That woman wasn't once again working full-time (have only been back to full-time for almost 3 months) and planning a wedding. That woman had a long distance relationship and only saw her boyfriend on weekends. That woman too seemed a lifetime ago.
I guess the point of this rambling is that it's all about perspective. From his perspective I once was a woman with energy. From mine, I have so much less energy than I used to. Of course some of that comes with age, but mostly it comes with the chronic pain and sleep issues that are part and parcel of FM.
I was shocked. How could he miss the energetic me? He's never known the energetic me! I have been battling FM for about fourteen years now. I've only known him for three.
Part of me fell into that sad self contemplation that illnesses, tragic life circumstances and conditions like fibro can bring on. I began to remember the pre-fibro me - that early 20's girl who was carefree, energetic and ready to take on the world. I wouldn't recognise that girl if you put her in a police line up or projected an over sized picture of her right in front of my face. She was a lifetime ago; another me, someone else entirely. I wished that my fiance could have known me then and I wondered, would he have liked her?
I have to give credit to the fibro for one thing: self knowledge. As many of you know, living with a chronic pain condition allows one many opportunities to learn about one's own self: our strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes and priorities. Ultimately it forces us to ask ourselves - what is important to me? What do I want to spend my limited energy on?
In the end, I am grateful that my fiance didn't know me then. I sometimes feel awkward around people from the pre-fibro part of my life. I feel as if they are judging me, wondering why I have changed so much, wishing I was the person I used to be. It's hard to have that pressure and to think that way about the important people in your life. I don't want a husband who yearns for someone who no longer exists. I want and need him to love the me that I am today, tomorrow and for the rest of our lives - not to long for the person I was for only a blip during my lifetime.
When we met, I was attending a month long, in-hospital programme for fibromyalgia at St. Joseph's Health Care in London, Ontario. The program taught me to manage my energy, to listen to my body and to accept my condition. It was a revelation! I was attending that program because the exhaustion from the fibro had forced me to reduce my working hours from full-time to 1/3 time. I was struggling to manage my day to day life. The so-called "energetic" me that he first became acquainted with used a lot of her energy to put on the "I'm normal - not in pain, can do whatever you can do" face. Granted, I was also on leave from work and only focusing on my physical recovery. That woman wasn't once again working full-time (have only been back to full-time for almost 3 months) and planning a wedding. That woman had a long distance relationship and only saw her boyfriend on weekends. That woman too seemed a lifetime ago.
I guess the point of this rambling is that it's all about perspective. From his perspective I once was a woman with energy. From mine, I have so much less energy than I used to. Of course some of that comes with age, but mostly it comes with the chronic pain and sleep issues that are part and parcel of FM.
Saturday 21 April 2012
The inevitable crash
No matter how many times I do this - I never seem to learn. Every report card entry deadline is a killer to me. No matter how on top of my marking I try to be, I always end up with a huge stack at the last minute.
Last June, I was up so late marking and calcualating marks, so ridiculously beyond tired, that I scraped the drivers's side of my car onthe cement pillar at the edge of my parking spot. I had to drive to my parent's house to enter the marks because I didn't have internet access at home. Those scratches have yet to be reparied and serve as a constant reminder of how one shouldn't drive when they are beyond exhaustion.
Mid-term mark entry has just passed. It was a little tougher this time. It was my first semester with a full course load in the last four years. Three whole classes to calculate. 45 short stories to mark, 14 posters etc. etc. The pile never seems to diminish - only grow!
After working a reduced schedule for about four years now, it's been a tough haul readjusting to full-time work. The hardest part is the mornings. With the fibro morning stiffness (which would more aply be called, morning after being run over by a train feeling) and the general difficulty functioning before 9 a.m., starting the work day at 8:40 has been near impossible. The positive news is that as a whole I enjoy the classes and students I am currently teaching and I manage to make it to 3:01 without needing to sleep (at least most days). The evenings and weeekends are another story.
Add to that regular schedule the hecticness and lack of sleep that comes with report cards and it's a miracle I'm still standing. Sleeping till noon today was a good start, but as they say, there is no such thing as sleep catch up.
After the adrenaline and forcing myself to function every day this week, that inevitable crash of energy has hit me. Who knows how long this malaise will last? Hopefully not long, I've got a wedding to plan, three classes to teach and many miles to go.....
Last June, I was up so late marking and calcualating marks, so ridiculously beyond tired, that I scraped the drivers's side of my car onthe cement pillar at the edge of my parking spot. I had to drive to my parent's house to enter the marks because I didn't have internet access at home. Those scratches have yet to be reparied and serve as a constant reminder of how one shouldn't drive when they are beyond exhaustion.
Mid-term mark entry has just passed. It was a little tougher this time. It was my first semester with a full course load in the last four years. Three whole classes to calculate. 45 short stories to mark, 14 posters etc. etc. The pile never seems to diminish - only grow!
After working a reduced schedule for about four years now, it's been a tough haul readjusting to full-time work. The hardest part is the mornings. With the fibro morning stiffness (which would more aply be called, morning after being run over by a train feeling) and the general difficulty functioning before 9 a.m., starting the work day at 8:40 has been near impossible. The positive news is that as a whole I enjoy the classes and students I am currently teaching and I manage to make it to 3:01 without needing to sleep (at least most days). The evenings and weeekends are another story.
Add to that regular schedule the hecticness and lack of sleep that comes with report cards and it's a miracle I'm still standing. Sleeping till noon today was a good start, but as they say, there is no such thing as sleep catch up.
After the adrenaline and forcing myself to function every day this week, that inevitable crash of energy has hit me. Who knows how long this malaise will last? Hopefully not long, I've got a wedding to plan, three classes to teach and many miles to go.....
Friday 20 April 2012
Fibro impacts on wedding planning
I guess I was naive to think that my fibro wouldn't really interfere with the planning of my upcoming wedding. I try to live my life without the fibro interfering in major events and life decisions, but as most of you with chronic pain know, it is often beyond our control. Stress flares up the fibro. The only control we have is over reducing our stress levels.
Last week, I went for my first florist consultation for the wedding. I had prepared by choosing my favourite flowers, researching flowers that would be in season and choosing the colours for the bouquet - all the usual bride stuff. I even chose my favourite type of bouquet - the cascade.
Arriving at the florist I was given a big wake-up call. Not only had I chosen one of the heaviest styles of bouquets but I also chose one of the most awkward to hold. My shoulders are an area of particular weakness. When carrying anything of weight, I need to carry it close to my body or chest to reduce the strain and weight. It it tough to carry grocery bags due to the pull they create throughout the upper body muscles. A cascade bouquet will do pretty much the same thing - the weight is to the front of the bouquet and thus puts more strain on the shoulders and arms.
Additionally, I have grip issues that come along with my FM. Holding newspapers, magazines, bags - basically anything gripped in my hand - can cause issues because my grip will give way without warning and suddenly the object is tumbling to the floor. Not only would that be embarrassing if that were to happen during the wedding, but also potentially quite damaging to the flowers in my bouquet.
I'm still not sure what to do. The florist would arrange the bouquet so that the flowers were not packed in tightly and thus reduce the overall weight. The bridesmaids will be there to grab the bouquet when required but it's hard to predict how my hands and arms will be that day.
Then of course, there is the other fibro issue - multiple sensitivities. In addition to worrying about the look and colour of the flowers, we also have to be concerned with the scents. We needed to choose no or low scent blossoms in order to avoid migraines on the big day.
I'm beginning to wonder if I should do some sort of alternative bouquet. Not a broach one to be sure, as that would weigh a ton. Hmm.... so many things to consider.
Last week, I went for my first florist consultation for the wedding. I had prepared by choosing my favourite flowers, researching flowers that would be in season and choosing the colours for the bouquet - all the usual bride stuff. I even chose my favourite type of bouquet - the cascade.
Arriving at the florist I was given a big wake-up call. Not only had I chosen one of the heaviest styles of bouquets but I also chose one of the most awkward to hold. My shoulders are an area of particular weakness. When carrying anything of weight, I need to carry it close to my body or chest to reduce the strain and weight. It it tough to carry grocery bags due to the pull they create throughout the upper body muscles. A cascade bouquet will do pretty much the same thing - the weight is to the front of the bouquet and thus puts more strain on the shoulders and arms.
Additionally, I have grip issues that come along with my FM. Holding newspapers, magazines, bags - basically anything gripped in my hand - can cause issues because my grip will give way without warning and suddenly the object is tumbling to the floor. Not only would that be embarrassing if that were to happen during the wedding, but also potentially quite damaging to the flowers in my bouquet.
I'm still not sure what to do. The florist would arrange the bouquet so that the flowers were not packed in tightly and thus reduce the overall weight. The bridesmaids will be there to grab the bouquet when required but it's hard to predict how my hands and arms will be that day.
Then of course, there is the other fibro issue - multiple sensitivities. In addition to worrying about the look and colour of the flowers, we also have to be concerned with the scents. We needed to choose no or low scent blossoms in order to avoid migraines on the big day.
I'm beginning to wonder if I should do some sort of alternative bouquet. Not a broach one to be sure, as that would weigh a ton. Hmm.... so many things to consider.
Thursday 19 April 2012
Oh the drama!
What to say? For a person with diarrhoea of the fingers, I find myself stumped at what to write, for this my first blog ever. I am not a follower of blogs, however, today I was reading the postings of a friend and was inspired.
In my youth I loved to write letters and capture all of my emotional drama in the pages of my journal. That near daily writing routine was abruptly ended in late 1998 after I was in a car accident that led to my developing chronic pain (Fibromyalgia in my case). Suddenly, it was hard for me to grip a pen, never mind put the pen to paper for more than a line at at time. The onset of my fibro dashed many dreams for me - both big and small - not the least of which was my passion for the written word.
Here I am today, nearly 14 years later, and that need to put my thoughts, dreams and pain into words has once again inspired me to write. Only this time, the words will not be buried in a journal, never to be read by any other eyes but mine. I must get vulnerable and allow others in to share my experiences, perhaps to identify, or ideally to learn.
As a teacher, I am passionate about lifelong learning. People learn in many ways; myself, in school I was always an auditory/linguistic learner. It was not a problem for me to just sit back and listen to the lecture or simply to read the words on the textbook page. As a fan of drama and music, I found that the ability to put information in a song and learn it to a tune would cause the information to sink indelibly into my mind. Fibromyalgia introduced me to a whole new world of learning, one where your own body is the loudest voice, and the only path to true knowledge was through physical experience.
In this blog, I hope to share both the triumphs and the tears. For many years it felt like I was defined by my condition, now however, I recognise that the Fibromyalgia is only one small part of my identity. True the pain can sometimes be the loudest part, but it does not define me and it will not rob me of living my life to the fullest.
Who am I? I am a teacher.
A fiancee.
A daughter.
A sister.
A friend.
A neighbour.
I am a woman.
An activist (in my own mind).
A writer, a reader, a lover of the written and spoken word.
A teaching artist.
A performer.
A scrapbooker.
A shopaholic.
A klutz.
I am this and so much more. And last, but not least, I am a woman who has suffered from Fibromyalgia syndrome for nearly 14 years.
In my youth I loved to write letters and capture all of my emotional drama in the pages of my journal. That near daily writing routine was abruptly ended in late 1998 after I was in a car accident that led to my developing chronic pain (Fibromyalgia in my case). Suddenly, it was hard for me to grip a pen, never mind put the pen to paper for more than a line at at time. The onset of my fibro dashed many dreams for me - both big and small - not the least of which was my passion for the written word.
Here I am today, nearly 14 years later, and that need to put my thoughts, dreams and pain into words has once again inspired me to write. Only this time, the words will not be buried in a journal, never to be read by any other eyes but mine. I must get vulnerable and allow others in to share my experiences, perhaps to identify, or ideally to learn.
As a teacher, I am passionate about lifelong learning. People learn in many ways; myself, in school I was always an auditory/linguistic learner. It was not a problem for me to just sit back and listen to the lecture or simply to read the words on the textbook page. As a fan of drama and music, I found that the ability to put information in a song and learn it to a tune would cause the information to sink indelibly into my mind. Fibromyalgia introduced me to a whole new world of learning, one where your own body is the loudest voice, and the only path to true knowledge was through physical experience.
In this blog, I hope to share both the triumphs and the tears. For many years it felt like I was defined by my condition, now however, I recognise that the Fibromyalgia is only one small part of my identity. True the pain can sometimes be the loudest part, but it does not define me and it will not rob me of living my life to the fullest.
Who am I? I am a teacher.
A fiancee.
A daughter.
A sister.
A friend.
A neighbour.
I am a woman.
An activist (in my own mind).
A writer, a reader, a lover of the written and spoken word.
A teaching artist.
A performer.
A scrapbooker.
A shopaholic.
A klutz.
I am this and so much more. And last, but not least, I am a woman who has suffered from Fibromyalgia syndrome for nearly 14 years.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)