exhaustion = crabby

I knew from the moment my alarm woke me this morning that my day was off to a bad start. Not enough sleep and severe pain were destined to lead to exhaustion, more pain and lower tolerance.

It is difficult to do my job when I am this tired and this burdened with agony. My patience is easily tested. My think-then-respond time is reduced. My BS meter is instantly set off.

Teenagers are a real test on a day like this! It's as if I'm walking on eggshells, or tiptoeing through a minefield of bombs which could go off at any second. Teenagers can be temperamental. That is an understatement. So can people with fibro! (Sometimes, I wonder if my students think I have month long PMS!!!!?!?!?)

So many factors came together to put me in this state today. It's October, the weather is changing, I am just getting over the flu, I am in a bad sleep cycle, I have too much stress.... add all that and the fibro outlook is pretty predictable - pain leads to less sleep, less sleep leads to more pain, more pain leads to tested emotions and around again and again.

I heard my alarm this morning but I ignored it. My body just would not cooperate. I could not move. I could not function. My husband exasperated by his lack of sleep after an afternoon shift, got up and turned off the annoying and incessant beeping of my cell phone alarm (which I had forgotten in my purse by the front door). The sound was too annoying to just block it out. Yet block it out I did.... my body spoke louder than my mind, and we decided we just could not answer the alarm's call.

Twenty minutes later, when my brain and body were finally communicating, my body slowly began to respond to the instructions to get out of bed. The sharp pains in my shoulders, the throbbing in my head, the ringing in my ears, the daggers in my legs they discouraged it - but get up I did! One slow, painful step at a time, I got myself out of bed and got my day started.

Usually, within a couple of hours of waking the stiffness, pain and fog recede a bit thanks in part to my medications and the adjustment over time. Today, it only worsened. Truly, it was a day to have stayed in bed.

When confronted with attitude laden, authority challenging teenagers .... I just couldn't take it anymore.  Of course I maintained my professionalism, pulled the students aside for one-on-one discussions about the inappropriate nature of their behaviour and yet.... the moment the last one walked out the door, when the clank of the auditorium door echoed through the theatre, I blew my top. Ranting and raving about dealing with assholes .... it was the first step in getting that negativity out of body. A truly necessary step or the negativity would build into more pain and agony... my body would physicalize it. Deep breathing. Ranting aloud to colleagues ... letting go of that build up of pain, frustration and despair.

A necessary step, as tomorrow, I will have to step right back into that hotbed of disrespect and go through it all again.