Yesterday was a prime example of fibrofog at its best.
I woke up a bit early, figured I would even get into work early, however, my body would not cooperate. Somehow I ended up being late - walking in the door right as the anthem and prayers start the school day. Caught in the vestibule by my VP while my students wait anxiously outside my classroom.
I realized while I was driving to work that I had forgotten my cell phone and wouldn't be able to call the school to let them know I would be late. I also forgot my purse, so was driving without license or money etc. etc.
When lunch rolled around, I completely forgot that it was Monday and that I had supervision.
Where was my head? It would seem not attached to my body..... whoa, what a ridiculous fibro fog day!
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Miles away Sandy's force still powerful
I know I am lucky not to have been in one of the areas hard hit by Sandy .... however, even here miles away in Southwestern Ontario I am feeling her wrath. (Though I am praying for those in those areas.)
Last night, my power was out. Partially to do with the winds, partially an accident in our area.... regardless, my heat is electric and it got pretty chilly. Even bundled up in layers of warm clothing and piles of blankets, I was still cold and so my muscles went into spasm. Once that starts, it doesn't seem to stop. The pain spreads and spreads.
Somehow, I actually fell asleep early because of the darkness, but in spite of the extra sleep, I feel even worse for the wear this morning. Fibro body = human barometer. Everything aches and hurts and moans. My head feels foggy, my body ravaged .... Sandy take your pressure away. Fall is hard enough as it is with the temperature and seasonal changes, but an epic storm just brings that much more ache and misery to one with chronic pain!
Last night, my power was out. Partially to do with the winds, partially an accident in our area.... regardless, my heat is electric and it got pretty chilly. Even bundled up in layers of warm clothing and piles of blankets, I was still cold and so my muscles went into spasm. Once that starts, it doesn't seem to stop. The pain spreads and spreads.
Somehow, I actually fell asleep early because of the darkness, but in spite of the extra sleep, I feel even worse for the wear this morning. Fibro body = human barometer. Everything aches and hurts and moans. My head feels foggy, my body ravaged .... Sandy take your pressure away. Fall is hard enough as it is with the temperature and seasonal changes, but an epic storm just brings that much more ache and misery to one with chronic pain!
Thursday 25 October 2012
exhaustion = crabby
I knew from the moment my alarm woke me this morning that my day was off to a bad start. Not enough sleep and severe pain were destined to lead to exhaustion, more pain and lower tolerance.
It is difficult to do my job when I am this tired and this burdened with agony. My patience is easily tested. My think-then-respond time is reduced. My BS meter is instantly set off.
Teenagers are a real test on a day like this! It's as if I'm walking on eggshells, or tiptoeing through a minefield of bombs which could go off at any second. Teenagers can be temperamental. That is an understatement. So can people with fibro! (Sometimes, I wonder if my students think I have month long PMS!!!!?!?!?)
So many factors came together to put me in this state today. It's October, the weather is changing, I am just getting over the flu, I am in a bad sleep cycle, I have too much stress.... add all that and the fibro outlook is pretty predictable - pain leads to less sleep, less sleep leads to more pain, more pain leads to tested emotions and around again and again.
I heard my alarm this morning but I ignored it. My body just would not cooperate. I could not move. I could not function. My husband exasperated by his lack of sleep after an afternoon shift, got up and turned off the annoying and incessant beeping of my cell phone alarm (which I had forgotten in my purse by the front door). The sound was too annoying to just block it out. Yet block it out I did.... my body spoke louder than my mind, and we decided we just could not answer the alarm's call.
Twenty minutes later, when my brain and body were finally communicating, my body slowly began to respond to the instructions to get out of bed. The sharp pains in my shoulders, the throbbing in my head, the ringing in my ears, the daggers in my legs they discouraged it - but get up I did! One slow, painful step at a time, I got myself out of bed and got my day started.
Usually, within a couple of hours of waking the stiffness, pain and fog recede a bit thanks in part to my medications and the adjustment over time. Today, it only worsened. Truly, it was a day to have stayed in bed.
When confronted with attitude laden, authority challenging teenagers .... I just couldn't take it anymore. Of course I maintained my professionalism, pulled the students aside for one-on-one discussions about the inappropriate nature of their behaviour and yet.... the moment the last one walked out the door, when the clank of the auditorium door echoed through the theatre, I blew my top. Ranting and raving about dealing with assholes .... it was the first step in getting that negativity out of body. A truly necessary step or the negativity would build into more pain and agony... my body would physicalize it. Deep breathing. Ranting aloud to colleagues ... letting go of that build up of pain, frustration and despair.
A necessary step, as tomorrow, I will have to step right back into that hotbed of disrespect and go through it all again.
It is difficult to do my job when I am this tired and this burdened with agony. My patience is easily tested. My think-then-respond time is reduced. My BS meter is instantly set off.
Teenagers are a real test on a day like this! It's as if I'm walking on eggshells, or tiptoeing through a minefield of bombs which could go off at any second. Teenagers can be temperamental. That is an understatement. So can people with fibro! (Sometimes, I wonder if my students think I have month long PMS!!!!?!?!?)
So many factors came together to put me in this state today. It's October, the weather is changing, I am just getting over the flu, I am in a bad sleep cycle, I have too much stress.... add all that and the fibro outlook is pretty predictable - pain leads to less sleep, less sleep leads to more pain, more pain leads to tested emotions and around again and again.
I heard my alarm this morning but I ignored it. My body just would not cooperate. I could not move. I could not function. My husband exasperated by his lack of sleep after an afternoon shift, got up and turned off the annoying and incessant beeping of my cell phone alarm (which I had forgotten in my purse by the front door). The sound was too annoying to just block it out. Yet block it out I did.... my body spoke louder than my mind, and we decided we just could not answer the alarm's call.
Twenty minutes later, when my brain and body were finally communicating, my body slowly began to respond to the instructions to get out of bed. The sharp pains in my shoulders, the throbbing in my head, the ringing in my ears, the daggers in my legs they discouraged it - but get up I did! One slow, painful step at a time, I got myself out of bed and got my day started.
Usually, within a couple of hours of waking the stiffness, pain and fog recede a bit thanks in part to my medications and the adjustment over time. Today, it only worsened. Truly, it was a day to have stayed in bed.
When confronted with attitude laden, authority challenging teenagers .... I just couldn't take it anymore. Of course I maintained my professionalism, pulled the students aside for one-on-one discussions about the inappropriate nature of their behaviour and yet.... the moment the last one walked out the door, when the clank of the auditorium door echoed through the theatre, I blew my top. Ranting and raving about dealing with assholes .... it was the first step in getting that negativity out of body. A truly necessary step or the negativity would build into more pain and agony... my body would physicalize it. Deep breathing. Ranting aloud to colleagues ... letting go of that build up of pain, frustration and despair.
A necessary step, as tomorrow, I will have to step right back into that hotbed of disrespect and go through it all again.
Open letter to all the ***hole teenagers out there
Dear assholes:
I am a teacher because I enjoy working with teenagers, inspiring them with knowledge and sharing my expertise with them. I love what I teach - drama! Though I joke about all the drama in my class that is not meant for the stage, I do have my limits. Today those limits were reached.
I have a passion for my subject. I love to teach facial expression, body language, proper breathing, articulation exercises, scene study, character creation etc. It is especially rewarding when the students I am teaching show equal enthuasiasm for those subjects. I am not naive, I know I can't have classes filled with all drama keeners, all the time. I know my subject is one of the arts required to receive the OSSD. I realize not everyone shares my passion for the arts. I get that.
What I don't get is the attitude!
As a student, I recognized the importance of rules, I welcomed the structure, I respected the system. Not to say I didn't try to buck the system every once in a while, but in general, I would say I was a respectful, well-behaved secondary school student. I knew I was going to university, perhaps that charged my motivation and impacted my behaviour. I was the child of two educated parents, which of course impacted my views on education. I was a nice person, who wanted people to treat me the way I treated them.
I know that students like that still exist ... but they seem to be the exception more than the rule these days.
My parents taught me to respect their authority and the position of other adults in authority. My parents would consequence or punish me accordingly if my teachers called them and told them that I wasn't behaving as I should.
Where have parents like that gone? Again, they exist... but they seem to be few and far between.
The daily disrespect that I am shown comes from teens who get away with that same behaviour at home. They aren't taught that the way they speak to others matters, that rules are there for a reason or that if you want respect you need to give respect. They live in a world that is all about them - no one else's needs matter. It is all about immediate gratification. If I want to talk, I will. I don't care if my talking interupts the teacher's lesson, or impacts the learning of my peers around me. If you challenge me, I will get my back up and talk back. If I break the rules, so what? No one's going to punish me. I don't respect myself, my parents or my family, so why on earth would I respect you!?!??!
So, I make a call to all teenagers: attitude, a positive one, will get you everywhere in life. A negative one, will only lead to disaster at school, at home and on the job. Make a change - develop a new era of respect.
I am a teacher because I enjoy working with teenagers, inspiring them with knowledge and sharing my expertise with them. I love what I teach - drama! Though I joke about all the drama in my class that is not meant for the stage, I do have my limits. Today those limits were reached.
I have a passion for my subject. I love to teach facial expression, body language, proper breathing, articulation exercises, scene study, character creation etc. It is especially rewarding when the students I am teaching show equal enthuasiasm for those subjects. I am not naive, I know I can't have classes filled with all drama keeners, all the time. I know my subject is one of the arts required to receive the OSSD. I realize not everyone shares my passion for the arts. I get that.
What I don't get is the attitude!
As a student, I recognized the importance of rules, I welcomed the structure, I respected the system. Not to say I didn't try to buck the system every once in a while, but in general, I would say I was a respectful, well-behaved secondary school student. I knew I was going to university, perhaps that charged my motivation and impacted my behaviour. I was the child of two educated parents, which of course impacted my views on education. I was a nice person, who wanted people to treat me the way I treated them.
I know that students like that still exist ... but they seem to be the exception more than the rule these days.
My parents taught me to respect their authority and the position of other adults in authority. My parents would consequence or punish me accordingly if my teachers called them and told them that I wasn't behaving as I should.
Where have parents like that gone? Again, they exist... but they seem to be few and far between.
The daily disrespect that I am shown comes from teens who get away with that same behaviour at home. They aren't taught that the way they speak to others matters, that rules are there for a reason or that if you want respect you need to give respect. They live in a world that is all about them - no one else's needs matter. It is all about immediate gratification. If I want to talk, I will. I don't care if my talking interupts the teacher's lesson, or impacts the learning of my peers around me. If you challenge me, I will get my back up and talk back. If I break the rules, so what? No one's going to punish me. I don't respect myself, my parents or my family, so why on earth would I respect you!?!??!
So, I make a call to all teenagers: attitude, a positive one, will get you everywhere in life. A negative one, will only lead to disaster at school, at home and on the job. Make a change - develop a new era of respect.
Friday 5 October 2012
Working full-time
It has been a long and slow road returning to full-time work. A few years ago my symptoms changed dramatically, shifting more heavily to the exhaustion over the pain. What was pretty typical fibro became more typical of chronic fatigue syndrome. I could barely stay awake during my work day and would sleep every night, all night and all weekend. I was always exhausted and barely functioning. I had to reduce my work schedule to 1/3 time. I stayed at this schedule for two years, then increased to 2/3 for a year and a half and now I'm back full time with a vengeance.
As a teacher, I'm usually re-energized in September having just had the summer off. By the time the weather starts to shift and get colder in October, my exhaustion is once again setting in. I'm once again struggling - I'm napping, falling asleep without meaning to and struggling to get through the day. The mornings are the worst - the pain and stiffness upon waking makes it hard to function. It takes a good hour or more for me to be able to move around somewhat normally. Most mornings I don't have the time to become functional before I have to start teaching.
While my pain and fatigue increases, so too do the voices of the many professionals I've worked with - take care of yourself! I need to focus more on self-care - taking time to breath deeply, to relax, to exercise and to eat properly. These things seem to be the first things to go by the wayside when I'm stressed or busy at work. Of course, they are the things that are essential to keeping the fibro demons at bay.
I look forward to having a long weekend to recharge my batteries and to once again reintroduce the self-care required to help me make it through the year.
As a teacher, I'm usually re-energized in September having just had the summer off. By the time the weather starts to shift and get colder in October, my exhaustion is once again setting in. I'm once again struggling - I'm napping, falling asleep without meaning to and struggling to get through the day. The mornings are the worst - the pain and stiffness upon waking makes it hard to function. It takes a good hour or more for me to be able to move around somewhat normally. Most mornings I don't have the time to become functional before I have to start teaching.
While my pain and fatigue increases, so too do the voices of the many professionals I've worked with - take care of yourself! I need to focus more on self-care - taking time to breath deeply, to relax, to exercise and to eat properly. These things seem to be the first things to go by the wayside when I'm stressed or busy at work. Of course, they are the things that are essential to keeping the fibro demons at bay.
I look forward to having a long weekend to recharge my batteries and to once again reintroduce the self-care required to help me make it through the year.
Thursday 4 October 2012
The pursuit of pain is INSANE!
In the last couple of months, I have noticed an increase in the glorification of the pursuit of pain.
Last month, I attended an assembly with my grade 9 students. It was meant to be a motivational assembly that encouraged grade 9's to get involved with their school and try out new extracurricular pursuits in teams, clubs and the arts. However, the speaker's focus was on his experience with the Spartan Death Race and other similar pain inducing adventure races. While I admire someone who takes on new pursuits in their 40's and who works hard, I can't support someone who deliberately causes their body pain and then glorifies it and encourages it in others. The Spartan Death Race is a three day race that involves no sleep, little food and events which deliberately put the racers into a hypothermic state. INSANE!
Plus there is the gain in popularity of S&M lifestyles as promoted by the 50 Shades of Grey series of books (and many spin offs) promoting the pursuit of pain for sexual pleasure as a good thing. Yet as anyone with fibro or chronic pain can tell you .... we long to feel pleasure rather than pain, and would give anything to replace that daily knawing agony with nothingness. The joy of feeling nothing - how wonderful would that be? Those who think we must experience pain to know we are alive, again, they clearly aren't chronic pain sufferers.
I find it insulting to the chronic pain community that people can trivialize pain in these ways. As someone who suffers from pain everyday and who strives to find ways to relieve that pain, I ask.... why don't these people try walking in my body for a day, maybe then they would find more positive pursuits?!?!
Last month, I attended an assembly with my grade 9 students. It was meant to be a motivational assembly that encouraged grade 9's to get involved with their school and try out new extracurricular pursuits in teams, clubs and the arts. However, the speaker's focus was on his experience with the Spartan Death Race and other similar pain inducing adventure races. While I admire someone who takes on new pursuits in their 40's and who works hard, I can't support someone who deliberately causes their body pain and then glorifies it and encourages it in others. The Spartan Death Race is a three day race that involves no sleep, little food and events which deliberately put the racers into a hypothermic state. INSANE!
Plus there is the gain in popularity of S&M lifestyles as promoted by the 50 Shades of Grey series of books (and many spin offs) promoting the pursuit of pain for sexual pleasure as a good thing. Yet as anyone with fibro or chronic pain can tell you .... we long to feel pleasure rather than pain, and would give anything to replace that daily knawing agony with nothingness. The joy of feeling nothing - how wonderful would that be? Those who think we must experience pain to know we are alive, again, they clearly aren't chronic pain sufferers.
I find it insulting to the chronic pain community that people can trivialize pain in these ways. As someone who suffers from pain everyday and who strives to find ways to relieve that pain, I ask.... why don't these people try walking in my body for a day, maybe then they would find more positive pursuits?!?!
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