Missing the energetic me

A couple of weeks ago, my fiance made a comment to me that really hit home: "I miss the energetic you."

I was shocked. How could he miss the energetic me? He's never known the energetic me! I have been battling FM for about fourteen years now. I've only known him for three.

Part of me fell into that sad self contemplation that illnesses, tragic life circumstances and conditions like fibro can bring on. I began to remember the pre-fibro me - that early 20's girl who was carefree, energetic and ready to take on the world.  I wouldn't recognise that girl if you put her in a police line up or projected an over sized picture of her right in front of my face. She was a lifetime ago; another me, someone else entirely. I wished that my fiance could have known me then and I wondered, would he have liked her?

I have to give credit to the fibro for one thing: self knowledge. As many of you know, living with a chronic pain condition allows one many opportunities to learn about one's own self: our strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes and priorities. Ultimately it forces us to ask ourselves - what is important to me? What do I want to spend my limited energy on?

In the end, I am grateful that my fiance didn't know me then. I sometimes feel awkward around people from the pre-fibro part of my life. I feel as if they are judging me, wondering why I have changed so much, wishing I was the person I used to be. It's hard to have that pressure and to think that way about the important people in your life. I don't want a husband who yearns for someone who no longer exists. I want and need him to love the me that I am today, tomorrow and for the rest of our lives - not to long for the person I was for only a blip during my lifetime.

When we met, I was attending a month long, in-hospital programme for fibromyalgia at St. Joseph's Health Care in London, Ontario. The program taught me to manage my energy, to listen to my body and to accept my condition. It was a revelation! I was attending that program because the exhaustion from the fibro had forced me to reduce my working hours from full-time to 1/3 time. I was struggling to manage my day to day life. The so-called "energetic" me that he first became acquainted with used a lot of her energy to put on the "I'm normal - not in pain, can do whatever you can do" face. Granted, I was also on leave from work and only focusing on my physical recovery. That woman wasn't once again working full-time (have only been back to full-time for almost 3 months) and planning a wedding. That woman had a long distance relationship and only saw her boyfriend on weekends. That woman too seemed a lifetime ago.

I guess the point of this rambling is that it's all about perspective. From his perspective I once was a woman with energy. From mine, I have so much less energy than I used to. Of course some of that comes with age, but mostly it comes with the chronic pain and sleep issues that are part and parcel of FM.